1)
I never attempted a suicidal act. But it doesn't mean I never thought about it. The first time I thought about attempting a suicide was in class 11th. I was feeling very sad that day. I was sitting quietly in the class and felt that I ruined everything. My chemistry grades were poor and it added more to my grief. I felt like killing myself at the very instant. And then I made a list of factors that were compelling me to do so. I remember that one of the points I considered was "OS of my computer-system crashed yesterday. I don't know how to repair it. I guess my computer is damaged which means a loss of 25,000 Rs. to my dad. What to do?" I gazed at all the factors and started eliminating them one by one if they can be improved upon. And if not, I should talk to a family member I trust upon. I eliminated all but one. That evening, I went to dad and asked if he was also my friend, besides being my dad. He made me sit, and explain what's the matter? I started crying and said "I miss her". My dad hugged me tightly and said "Beta, tu gud (jaggery) hai. Wo ladki makkhi hai. Apni mithaas banaye rakhna. Makkhiyan aur bahut aayengi." And that ruled out the probable attempt of suicide.
2)
Second time I thought about it was when I was in first year, AIT. I was under immense stress of ragging. Plus there were other factors. I wanted to go to a medical college. Engineering wasn't the field of my choice. Moreover, I recently had a breakup. That night, I was on the top of 4-storey hostel. It was about 11PM. I was crying. I called dad and told him that "I can't stay here anymore. Please take me home". And my dad said "What kind of Army-brat are you? I won't console you even the slightest. You yourself must feel the honor of being the son of an Army man. Your dad have gone through the toughest times. Can't you even acclimatize to this little ragging-thing? Remember, when going gets tough, the tough gets going." That statement made me the most ragged boy of AIT, and I never shed a single tear. I took everything like an army man takes orders from his officer, no matter what it is.
3)
Third time I thought of suicide was 1 month back. I was coming leaving home for Bangalore. And the night before departure, I did some mathematical analysis to decide whether to do it or not. The analysis is as follows:
Conclusion: 1051 - 770 = 281 Don't do it.I never attempted a suicidal act. But it doesn't mean I never thought about it. The first time I thought about attempting a suicide was in class 11th. I was feeling very sad that day. I was sitting quietly in the class and felt that I ruined everything. My chemistry grades were poor and it added more to my grief. I felt like killing myself at the very instant. And then I made a list of factors that were compelling me to do so. I remember that one of the points I considered was "OS of my computer-system crashed yesterday. I don't know how to repair it. I guess my computer is damaged which means a loss of 25,000 Rs. to my dad. What to do?" I gazed at all the factors and started eliminating them one by one if they can be improved upon. And if not, I should talk to a family member I trust upon. I eliminated all but one. That evening, I went to dad and asked if he was also my friend, besides being my dad. He made me sit, and explain what's the matter? I started crying and said "I miss her". My dad hugged me tightly and said "Beta, tu gud (jaggery) hai. Wo ladki makkhi hai. Apni mithaas banaye rakhna. Makkhiyan aur bahut aayengi." And that ruled out the probable attempt of suicide.
2)
Second time I thought about it was when I was in first year, AIT. I was under immense stress of ragging. Plus there were other factors. I wanted to go to a medical college. Engineering wasn't the field of my choice. Moreover, I recently had a breakup. That night, I was on the top of 4-storey hostel. It was about 11PM. I was crying. I called dad and told him that "I can't stay here anymore. Please take me home". And my dad said "What kind of Army-brat are you? I won't console you even the slightest. You yourself must feel the honor of being the son of an Army man. Your dad have gone through the toughest times. Can't you even acclimatize to this little ragging-thing? Remember, when going gets tough, the tough gets going." That statement made me the most ragged boy of AIT, and I never shed a single tear. I took everything like an army man takes orders from his officer, no matter what it is.
3)
Third time I thought of suicide was 1 month back. I was coming leaving home for Bangalore. And the night before departure, I did some mathematical analysis to decide whether to do it or not. The analysis is as follows:
SUICIDE
TO DO OR NOT TO DO
Issue: Should it be done or not
Criteria: Voting system with weightage (scores)
Algorithm:
- Each factor has a vote with weightage from 0 to 100
- Each factor must be either a Pro or a Con
- A weightage 0 means unalligned
- Cons votes be given negative assignments
- Sum all the scores
- If score is negative, do it
- If score is positive, don't
RISK FACTOR - 3 more strong factors in Cons and you do it.
Factors: PRO - Why not to do
- Improve instead of escaping ------------------------------------96
- Dad chilling on rocking chair dream --------------------------95
- Experiments here (on earth) not complete yet ---------------94
- Naam, Namak, Nishaan -----------------------------------------85
- Incomplete wishes of family ------------------------------------85
- Attack on religion dream ----------------------------------------84
- Physics is calling ya :) -------------------------------------------81
- Life is full of beautiful girls ------------------------------------72
- Prove to family that you are worth ----------------------------71
- Bring peace to the world ----------------------------------------64
- You are unique ---------------------------------------------------44
- You are not idiot. Just needs time to understand self -------35
- Wishes of lover --------------------------------------------------32
- President of India dream ---------------------------------------30
- UN secretariat dream -------------------------------------------28
- She loves you ----------------------------------------------------28
- Wishes of others -------------------------------------------------15
- They don't deserve your excellence ---------------------------10
- Sorrow leaving behind ------------------------------------------02
- It doesn't even matter in geological timeline if I existed ---98
- I cause frustration to Didi, gf and others ---------------------96
- Family lost faith in me ------------------------------------------89
- Gf feels I am a waste --------------------------------------------67
- Urge to see what's beyond (death) ----------------------------70
- I can't improve even if I wish to -------------------------------31
- I may cause loss to humanity ----------------------------------19
- My existence won't bring any good ---------------------------10
- I am over self-confident. I am zero in real -------------------80
- My Didi also thinks so ------------------------------------------75
- My gf also thinks so ---------------------------------------------80
- My friends/colleagues also think so ---------------------------55
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| The notebook where I made 'the Suicide Analysis' |
4)
I have been continuously "thinking" of attempting a suicide since last 3 days. The reason is a single thought - why am I alive? Who will remember me after I am gone. I don't even know who my grand-grand-grand father was? Was he a good man? Was he a thief? Was he a peasant under Mughals? So, my existence is insignificant. The only reason to live is to make myself significant enough. But again, even if I contribute to the society a lot, who will remember me a billion years later? Today I know Dennis Richie, Bill Gates and Ban Ki Moon. Those who are born after 2000 won't be knowing about Kofi Annan except those who prepare for competitive exams. As time pass, people have tendency to forget. We know Mahatma Gandhi and Bhagat Singh. If you don't know, you may refer Wikipedia. But after a billion years, Wikipedia wont be there. Neither this history. All that will be left is our remains. And they will excavate us like we do about Mesopotamia and Harappa today. No one known. Not even a single. Then why am I alive? This single thought was eating me away from inside.
Day and night, every second, I am thinking of it. I am listening to happy songs and sad songs. I have been trying to express my grief in poems, but they remain incomplete. I have made 6 incomplete poems, 4 incomplete sketches and 2 incomplete articles. Meanwhile, I came up with 3 of my own self-made physics problems and 2 mathematical problems. I got stuck at one of 'em where calculus got involved and solved others. I made 6 large scale Delhi maps, with and without metro stations on photoshop. I watched documentaries on Indus Valley Civilisation, 1984 Sikh genocide, and history of Taj Mahal. All this in last 3 days.
I was aware that my B'day is approaching on 29th (i.e. today). I thought that it would be fun to die the same day you were born. But then another thought came to my mind. If I commit suicide at this hour, when my family is happy for me getting 22, it will not be a happy time anymore. My sister won't be left alive without me. She loves me that much. And after losing his wife, and both his kids, my dad won't last longer either. This thought moved me. It stopped me from committing the crime. But it changed my course. I must opt Buddhism and must go to Himalayas. I will not spend my life as a workless, worthless man. But I will live like a saint, teaching physics in the holy mountains. Oh, all these thoughts were so confusing.
And then at last, the only thing which game me relief was Mirza Ghalib. Every word of his poems did hit me hard. How can a man express my feelings in his poems? What I was never able to express, could never understand myself, he made me understand.
ये न थी हमारी किस्मत, के विसाल-ए-यार होता,
अगर और जीते रहते, यही इंतज़ार होता ||
तेरे वादे पर जिए हम, तो ये जान छूट जाना,
के ख़ुशी से मर न जाते, अगर ऐतबार होता ||
कोई मेरे दिल से पूछे तेरे तीर-ए-नीम कश को,
ये खलिश कहाँ से होती, जो जिगर के पार होता?
कहूँ किस से मैं के क्या है? शब्-ए-गम बुरी बला है,
मुझे क्या बुरा था मरना, अगर एक बार होता ||
ये मसायले तसव्वुफ़, ये तेरा बयान ग़ालिब,
तुझे हमवाली समझते, जो न बादाखार होता ||
How can one have such a strong command and control over words and expression? How grief can be merged with happiness, how to be a sadist and live like live-heart, no one knows better than Gaalib. I salute you O Gaalib! You solved my dilemma.
